Father: provider or something else?
By: Mónica Bulnes de Lara
The dictionary (Pequeño Larousse Ilustrado, 1998 in Spanish) defines “father” as “man or male person who engenders one or more children”. Nevertheless, those who have children know that this is not a complete definition. It is clear that any male can be a “father”, but not everyone can be a “head of a household”, a leader, a guide.
In an add published in USA Today on June 19, 1996, the National Fatherhood Initiative mentioned some characteristics describing “head of a household”. It included:
• Read to your children
• Walk together
• Listen to your children
• Give a good example
• Express your love to them
• Help them with their homework
• Have good manners
• Keep your promises
• Save for their education
• Take children to Church
• Solve conflicts quickly
• Let them come with you to your work
• Meet your children’s friends
• Spend time with each one of your children
• Talk with your children about your childhood
• Set clear and consistent limits
• Go to the zoo, museums or sport matches with all the family
• Consider how your decisions impact your children
• Let your children help you in house projects, etc.
It is clear that the part of “making the baby” is the easiest one (and currently, one of the most popular), but doing a good work as a father is something more complicated, deeper and more transcendental.
It is a fact that keeping a living standard, that provides the essential things to children, for them to live decorously, implies a big effort, especially in what has to do with family time. Outside-the-house-work education is an important part when raising a child and very often dad is the one who provides the example for this value. But it is also true that usually it is considered his main role, and sometimes the only one.
Even though important changes have occurred since the 50’s, the social culture has not promoted, in general, male responsibility regarding time investment, emotional involvement and commitment with children. The great value given to fathers today is that of economic provider. Both men and women think that the main role of a father is that of a provider so that he meets all the family needs. It is even expected that through a big effort and long working hours, living conditions must gradually improve. But the family cost of a low involvement by the father on raising of children is very high.
In spite of the current feminist trends that undermine the role of the active participation of the father in the family, it has been proven that male children learn about male responsibility, accomplishment, assertively and independence from their father. It is very hard for a mother to have the authority and discipline of a father to raise male children, specifically teen-agers.
When a daughter has a very close relationship with her father, she lives a healthier femininity; she feels she can be loved and learns to trust. Daughters that can trust men, generally marry reliable men.
Fathers feel that the following skills are important: competitiveness, challenges, initiatives, risk taking and independence. On the other hand, mothers emphasize social integration, interpersonal relations and personal well-being. Fathers focus on their children long term development, while mothers take care of the immediate situation of their children. Fathers set limits. Fathers promote justice and duties (based on rules). Mothers promote empathy, care and help (based on relationships).
Parents help children distinguish between sexual roles. Children that grow in families where the roles were clearly distinguished, learn to have a healthy use of the father’s power and the mother’s love. This type of upbringing produces mainly emotionally healthy children. This does not mean that, as is sometimes misinterpreted, roles must be the traditional stereotype of the authoritarian and absent father, and the submissive and fragile mother. Today, even in couples of professionals, family roles are clear and different; they complement each other for the best functioning of the household.
Father’s involvement plays a unique and irreplaceable role in the children’s intellectual, emotional and social development. Children with this kind of father have better oral abilities, better problem solving skills, higher academic accomplishments and better performance in mathematics and reading. The most impacting effect, mainly in male children, is an enhancement in empathy and compassion. Men with antisocial or criminal behavior almost never had a good relationship with their fathers.
But, above all, the fathers’ main responsibility is that of being an example of what a family is. A male child learns how he has to behave as a husband by observing how his father treats his mother. A daughter learns how she must be treated by her husband by observing this relationship. The way their parents behave, will be a role model for them that they will apply in their own home.
That is why both men and women must bear in mind the importance of the role played by fathers in the family dynamics. From the first time a man listens to the first cry of his child, his life changes in a complete and permanent way. It is not longer “me / my” as an individual. My goals, dreams, plans, etc., are subject to another person’s life, the one I collaborated to create. Since that moment, I am responsible for raising my children for them to be happy people, with dignity and integrity.
The best gift fathers can give their children is not a big house in a fancy neighborhood, or a large bank account to insure their future, but spending more time with them. You cannot build a relationship with your children if you do not live with them. So, how can you do this and take care of the financial issues? It is not easy. You have to sacrifice business time, of course. It is naïve to think that you can do it in a different way, but the result is always more positive and more fulfilling than any professional success.
