Dad: “You’re also important for my development!”
By: Bertha Parra Lemus (psychologist)
It is never late to think on the importance the physical and emotional presence of a father has in the development of children.
We are used to live in a covered matriarchy, a pseudopatriarchy, when in reality this culture revolves around women. Nonetheless, I think it is time to let men be involved and let them play their role in society and family, a role that goes beyond that of being a provider. I’m talking about the role as a parent that, if you did not know it dear male parents, is vitally important for the development of your children, as was your own case.
We have set the responsibility on mothers on everything that does not work out well in the psychological development of children, nevertheless, the father is the one who helps male children have their own masculine identity and who help girls feel like women, attractive, beautiful women that can be loved by a man. Mothers do have an influence, of course, and I have no intention of giving the responsibility only to fathers; but I insist that, the father is the one that with his presence and his “law” helps the boy / girl to consider himself / herself an independent being and not an extension or appendix of his / her mother.
What I mean with this is that the father is the ‘third wheel’ in the child/mother dyadic relationship. He breaks the symbiosis that if no separation occurs, will blend the child with his/her mother (psychically speaking) and will turn him / her into a person who will not be able to establish contact with the world by himself / herself. That is, it will take the child to craziness, to a total blend of identity with the mother. Due to the fact that the father is the ‘third wheel’, male children establish their male identity and the girls, their female identity. He is the one who puts the ‘cherry on the cake’ as to be successful in the difficult process of consolidating our own identity, and not only the psychosexual identity. Don’t you think it’s important?
And no only that, the father also imposes the law, that is, he is the one who sets the rules. He represents the authority. I once heard the following phrase: “Mother is love with authority, and the father is authority with love”. And I think it is true. Imagine, heads of households / fathers, that it will depend on you if our children are going to follow the law, i.e., the authority. Well, if this is not clear enough, we will explain it in a more drastic way.
If a father does no teach his children to respect the authority, the children he is raising will not be able to live in a society, because they will not be able to respect their neighbors because nobody taught them to do so through the example. Of course, it is not a matter of beating them up, because we know the result of that method.
So gentlemen, you are responsible for raising criminals that rob and kidnap people, or bankers that commit fraud or politicians that only care about themselves regardless of who gets in their way (including their country). Do you still question the importance of your presence in your children’s development?
Now, you could argue: “What happens is that women do not let us participate”, “It’s a woman thing”. Gentlemen, we are in the twenty first century! Or, the new phrase, “I don’t have time for anything!”. Well, what do you think! If you want, you can. It has to be very clear that spending quality time with your children is as important, or even more important than paying the tuition fees and bills. There is no question that there are still some women who do not let their husband be involved in raising their children but, so what? Don’t you have your own will? Of course, it is very nice to seat back in the outside and blame the others for what we do not do.
On the other hand, unfortunately we have a lot of single-parent families, most of them made up of by mother and children, with no father. I would like to invite these mothers in charge of raising their children to self-observe and self-evaluate how they talk to their children about their father. How do they refer to him? What are they conveying? What is the idea of a man that they are transmitting to their children? In this type of cases, the fatherly figure will be transmitted by the mother who consciously or unconsciously will convey a good or bad male image. She makes this through her own experience (good or bad) with males, that is to say, her relationship with her own father and spouse.
Think this carefully, and once you answered these questions, you will be able to understand a lot of things. Let us not blame our children for our frustrated relations with their fathers. Finally, they are their fathers! And you chose them. This does not mean that we have to lie to them on who their father is. Let them find out by themselves. Help them discard the bad idea they had of their father, because that way they will get the idea of what being a father is and what being a committed, participative individual, with integrity and involved in a society working for the others is.
I hope I gave you food for thought and that both men and women must be aware of the importance of being a father. Remember, the father is the person who helps us consolidate our:
• Sense of personal identity.
• Male or female identity (depending if it is a boy / girl).
• Makes up the moral behavior and respect for the authority and our fellowmen.
So, heads of households / fathers, I urge you to participate actively and not aggressively in raising your children. Be the main actors and not just mere spectators of your children’s’ life and development, because I’m sure that sooner than later, they will thank you for that.
