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By: Rafael Llano C.
The first condition a married couple must live is mutual respect. Respect means to accept the other as the person he/she is. Such difference starts with the radical distinction of the two sexes. How many couple problems could be solved if spouses knew how to respect that elemental difference.
The human being is a sexed being from the first to the last cell of his/her body. There is no cell, which does not have in it the feminine or masculine seal. The same happens with attitudes: there is no gesture, feeling or emotion that is not impregnated of masculine or feminine features.
Some men think that they married a human being with the physical aspect of a woman –beauty and feminine features- but with man’s mind. Some women think that they got married with a strong man with woman’s soul. It is necessary to make them conscious of the differences. She did not married an executive with feminine charms neither he married a “madmoiselle” with fighter muscles. This can seem funny but is an every day matter.
This psychological contrast can make the husband think that he got married with a very complicated human being, or make the wife think that she married a selfish and rude person. Those intimate disagreements can lead to serious disappointments.
Men like to feel superior. Women feel proud to have all that strength at her service. It is nice to feel that all that masculine energy works for her happiness. Nevertheless he will want to dominate. Women’s success lies in making her husband believe that he is the one who gives the orders or is in charge of the situation.
Women have the great virtue to devote themselves completely and they would like that men loved in the same way: above every other woman and every other interest. Women are gifted to discover secrets from the heart, for example Sanson and Dalila; and she knows how to manage the husband to make intimate confidences. That is why when the he gets home she wants to have conversations. The husband, maybe tired from work, worried or overwhelmed with problems gets in his own world or prefers to watch TV, and if a buddy comes seeking for advice, he immediately gets up from his sofa, makes a drink and spends endless hours talking with him. The devastated woman thinks that her husband trusts his friend more than her, that he is happier with others, and she starts feeling jealous. And that is not true. That husband apparently discourteous would be willing to give his life for her.
What really happens is that he thinks that a long conversation with his wife about his professional problems will not be of much help because she does not understand that kind of problems. The husband must be very attentive to this type of things so that she does not feel out of place.
Those differences become more acute if we talk about sexual matters. Men are more carnal; women are more affective. Men are direct; women like tenderness. Women needs preambles, tenderness, affection and does not tend to be sexually direct, which may hurt masculine virility. If a woman is forced to have sexual relations without caresses and tenderness she feels like an “object”; she feels degraded from her role of mother and wife to a prostitute or lover and this causes a rebellion.
Sometimes a mutual feeling of misunderstanding is generated which opens a gap little by little. A wound appears that could only be cured with mutual condescending attitude but this wound can turn into a purulent sore and aversion abyss. Sometimes such gap ends up in a definite breaking up or infidelity. That is why it is so important to have respect for the radical sex differences. Those differences may generate mutual difficulties, but they also represent a higher complementarity. Men need feminine qualities and women need man qualities.
The biggest happiness a woman can find in marriage, says Leclercq, is to have a husband that is a true man, despite his rudeness or lack of kindness; and the biggest happiness a man can find is to have a true woman, despite how uncomfortable he may feel with her affectivity. They support each other when they accept each other just the way they are. Well, in that mutual support and higher complementarity lies one of the most wonderful realities of marriage and human love.
Texts from Rafael L. Cifuentes, “Noivado e casamento”, “Ed Paulinas”, Río de Janeiro 1992. Translated by Rebeca Reynaud.
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