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Firm Love Principles
By: Dr. James Dobson
Firm Love Principles are the same for single people and for people who have been married for decades. However, there are circumstances that are typical of courtship. I will name some of them to avoid the most common tricks:
1. Do not allow the relationship to grow too fast at the beginning. The phrase “Too hot so as not to get cold” is valid. Romantic relations that have a very passionate beginning, usually end up by burning up. Go step by step.
2. Do not talk about your personal weaknesses when the relationship is still very young. It does not matter if the person is too loving or caring, any great revelation of low self-esteem of a shameful weakness may be fatal when interpersonal “difficulties” arise.
3. Do not forget that respect comes before love. Build it strongly stone by stone.
4. Do not call the other person too frequently; do not give him/her the opportunity of getting tired of you.
5. Do not reveal too soon that you intend to get married, or that you feel you just have found your Blue Prince, or the Princess of your dreams. If the other person has not come to the same conclusion, you will make him/her panic.
6. Very important: Careful in love people that prefer to taste the bait before taking it are constantly putting on trial their relationship. These trials vary, but frequently they consist in leaving the other person to see what happens. Sometimes they start a silly fight. Maybe they let go by two weeks without even a telephone call. Or sometimes there is a flirt with a rival. In each of these circumstances the question should be: How important am I for you and what would you do if you lost me? Behind this question there is still another one that is more basic. That person wants to know how free he/she is to leave the relationship in case he/she wanted to. It is very important that you give the impression of serenity, security and a similar independence when you face this kind of situations. Do not cling to the other person asking for mercy. There are some people that remain single all their lives, because they cannot resist humiliating when they are put to trial.
7. Talking about the same topic, it is important to keep in mind that almost every courtship relationship that lasts a year or more and seems to be moving towards marriage is going to undergo the maximum test. There will be a breaking up from one of the partners. The person that has been rejected should be aware that their future together would depend on the ability he/she has to manage this crisis. If the one who is suffering can remain calm, the next two steps could be reconciliation and marriage. If not, no matter how much he/she begs, nothing will change.
8. Do not depend only on the other to satisfy all your emotional needs. Maintain your own interests and activities apart from your romantic relation, even after marriage.
9. Stay alert against selfishness in your romantic relation. It is not convenient that only one of you gives everything, not the man and not the woman. I broke up once with a girl because I took her to nice places, gave her flowers, pay for her lunch, and so on. I wanted to do those things, but I expected something in return. She never did: she only knew how to receive.
Another author adds some other principles:
10. Women usually fall in love before man and fall in love longer than man. But this is not always the situation, men often fall in love sooner and cling desperately to an affair that is coming to an end.
11. We do not fall in love with people that we know too well, and we do not get married to them. On the other hand fascinating strangers that we meet far away from our normal life and work place, drive us crazy.
12. Women have to be hard to conquer if they want to be appreciated by men.
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