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To be or Not To Be…A Sex Addict
By: Christina King
I am probably the only person in the world who shouts things at her television set. That being said, you should have heard me the other day. “It’s not just about the sex!” I kept shouting. Recently on “The View,” a daytime talk show featuring several women’s opinions on current events, the topic of sex addiction was a hot topic. Specifically, the women were discussing whether or not sex could be a valid addiction or merely an excuse for why some people have had affairs. After much debate, the general consensus seemed to be that although they believed sex addiction exists, they felt that some have used the diagnosis of “sex addict” as well as the rehab clinics, to escape culpability.
Some of the women touched on the truth. However, for the most part, the truth continued to elude them. The problem was that they continued to focus on the “what” which was “sex” instead of the “why” which is that we are sexual beings. By this I mean we are male and female and this is for a purpose. Their failure to recognize that longing for a connection to another human being is not a sexual addiction and this is what infuriated me enough to yell at them through my television screen.
It is almost as if these people whom the media calls “sex addicts” are like a starving man. If a man is starving for food he will want to eat right? If this same man eats candy, cakes and other sweet treats it will taste wonderful as he acts on his desire to feed himself. The body will experience pleasure and even a temporary feeling of fullness as he eats it. However, the truth remains. His body will continue to starve, for it has not received the nutrition required to sustain it. Chocolate cake will not sustain us. Eventually, the body will deteriorate and die. So the lie hidden within “sex addiction” is that all unions are equal as if a 3 course meal and chocolate cake are somehow equal. For a man to be rehabilitated, he would need to somehow discover the truth behind the lies.
We all have a deep yearning to connect to another person in a real and profound way. This is a God given hunger and is nothing to be ashamed of. What we truly want is God, in fact we hunger for the opportunity to enter into the mystery of God who IS love. Sexual union between a man and a woman can be a way in which we can experience the love of God. However, only if the “ingredients” are right. By ingredients I mean free, total, faithful and fruitful.
When entering into a sexual union a person must be willing to be a free and total gift of self to another in a faithful commitment of marriage. This gift must be open to life so that it can be a fruitful love. This is how God has modeled love to us through the blessed Trinity. So it seems that if one or more of the ingredients are missing, then instead of nourishing our souls through the union of our bodies, we are instead starving our souls.
It is as if we are stuffing our mouths with sweet cakes. For a moment, we will experience the pleasure and even the temporary feeling of the void being filled. But then, just a starving man eating food devoid of nutrition, will grow hungrier and eventually starve to death, the soul starves when it uses sex to fill the void God created within us so that we search Him out. When we use sex in this way, we create a deeper void then what existed before. Just as nature abhores a vacuum, the soul too will cry out to be filled. Perhaps that is why some continue to seek person after person in a line of indiscretions wondering all the while “what is wrong with me?” “Am I a sex addict?” The real question should be, “What am I really hungry for?”
Once a person realizes “what” they are hungry for, then the next step is to realize that how we feed that hunger is not open for interpretation. Just like a food pyramid outlines intrinsic truths that define what our bodies need to be nourished, God has defined the truths that must be present inside any sexual union. Those truths, or ingredients are Free, Total, Faithful and Fruitful.
So when one of the ladies on “The View” posed the question “Well, what if a husband wants to have sex 10 times a day but he is after his wife, does that make him a sex addict?” I thought of a tape I had listened to early on in my conversion by Dr. Janet Smith. She asked the question “How can a man ever say no to sex outside of marriage if he never learns to tell himself no inside of his marriage?” I would venture to say that anyone seeking sex 10 times a day is not really seeking sex.
The fact that someone would be seeking “quantity” points to the truth that they are using sex. Once any of us “use” sex, we are then using the person we are having sex with. They no longer become our partner, but they become an object. Once we make it okay for us to objectify someone, then it no longer matters with whom or even what we are having sex with.
What “sex addiction” really would be then, if there is such a thing, would be a failure to recognize the person and instead, objectifying others for our own purpose, not because our desire for union is flawed but rather our means for filling it is. For any rehab to be credible, the program would need to teach people to recognize not only the “person” in themselves and others, but it would have to explain the holiness of Sex.
Oh, wait! There is a rehab clinic that does all that!!! It’s called the Catholic Church! Some beautiful teachings on this very subject can be found in Pope John Paul the Great’s writings entitled “Theology of The Body”. This series of talks delivered in his Wednesday addresses over a period of years is now presented as a whole. His whole book can be read or you can pick up any number of books, DVD’s, CD’s, or more by catholic educators dedicating their lives to helping us understand what is truly a revolutionary look at the purpose of life, love, man and God’s design for it all.
What are we really hungry for? Holy Union
Christina King is a national Catholic speaker for Catholic Answers, Lighthouse Catholic Media, CMG Booking, The Maximus Group and others. She speaks on Parenting, Pro-life, Chastity, Motherhood and Apologetics -- showing her deep love and knowledge of Christ and Church teachings. Christina is a mother of eight children and is married to Shawn She has written for Canticle Magazine, This Rock, Family Foundations, CatholicMom.com and more. Her numerous guest appearances include; Catholic Family Land Television, EWTN's Living His Life Abundantly and Catholic Answers Live, St. Joseph's Radio, Ave Maria Radio and Relevant Radio to name a few. To book Christina to speak at your next event you can email her at ChristinaShawn@hotmail.com or call her at 920-277-8559 or 920-277-8559. For more information see her website at www.ChristinaKing.com.
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