By: http://www.psychologies.co.uk

Feeling jealous of the bond between your partner and child feels taboo. Where does the emotion come from – and what can you do with it?

Do you compete for your child’s love?

According to Dr Mandy Byron, a clinical psychologist at Great Ormond Street Hospital, feeling jealous of the bond between your partner and child is a more common experience than we think. Yet jealousy between parents is a taboo: it goes against everything we think we should feel.

‘People are ashamed of these feelings and try to bury them,’ says Byron. ‘But the power of the emotions can take them by surprise.’ The situation carries a double-edged emotional whammy: first, the gut-wrenching visceral jealousy, then the guilt that eats you up inside.

Early roots

This kind of jealousy, towards your partner or your child, takes root early in your child’s infancy. ‘When the first child is born, there is a great potential for competition,’ says marital psychotherapist Brett Kahr. ‘The pair becomes a triangle, and one partner feels more excluded, often the father,’ he says.

Many women describe the physical and emotional experience of having a baby as similar to that of falling in love, and this is a natural and common phase, says Kahr.

However, the experience of becoming a parent throws into sharp focus our own experience as children, and the legacy of parenting returns. ‘Problems occur if one or both of the partners felt emotionally deprived or distant from their own parents,’ he says.

Kahr offers the example of a woman who felt neglected by her own mother in childhood. ‘When she has her own child, she has two choices. One is that she unconsciously repeats the pattern, or she will cling to the newborn baby both because the baby needs her, and to satisfy her own needs. To have somebody so completely dependent on you can be very satisfying for a mother: it’s a means to curing what was lacking in her own childhood.’

Shifting alliances

The other parent, meanwhile, can feel excluded and neglected. ‘This can impact in a very physical, visceral way,’ says Kahr. Often, for men, it is not just their partner’s emotional investment in the baby that provokes jealousy, but the breakdown of physical exclusivity.

‘On an unconscious level, he may feel reluctant to share what was once his exclusive right to her body. Especially if he himself had rivalrous experiences with his brothers or his father in childhood, sharing out their mother’s limited attention and affections.’ As the baby gets older, and if a second or third child comes along, alliances shift again.

Professor Eric Lindsey of Penn State University, who carried out a three-year study into competitive jealousy in family relationships, discovered a common pattern. ‘In infancy, most children are more attached to their mother, and fathers are more likely to feel jealous,’ he says. ‘But around age three, they start to show a preference for spending time with their father.’

At this stage, many women experience the first stirrings of envy as the powerful bonds of infancy start to loosen. For some, the loss of this relationship can feel overwhelming.

The Oedipus phase

According to Kahr, between three and six years old is often a difficult, developmental stage. ‘Your children are at the height of what Freud referred to as the Oedipus phase of development,’ he says.

‘Children of this age are starting to recognise and test out what will become their sexual power. Girls realise they have a certain power with their fathers, and play with excluding their mother to exercise this. Boys begin to compete with their fathers.’

Many mothers will find that their daughters turn back to them in early puberty, when they represent a refuge from the challenging, unknown presence of the opposite sex. ‘Meanwhile, in early teenage years, boys can feel they have been overtly feminised by their close relationship with their mothers and turn towards their fathers,’ explains Kahr.

As these alliances come and go, your reaction and levels of jealousy depend on how secure you feel in your parenting skills, as well as how competitive you are as a couple, says psychologist Linda Blair.

‘If there’s already a certain amount of rivalry between you and your partner, it often manifests itself in parenting issues,’ she says. It also depends, adds Kahr, on your upbringing and how secure you feel as a result. ‘If a woman competed with sisters for her father’s attention, she might manage a boy child much better than a girl,’ he says.

Teenage tendencies

What she is also likely to feel towards a daughter or a son, says Kahr, is envy. ‘If you had a difficult relationship with your mother or father, and then see your partner being loving and attentive to your children in a way they never were to you, a deep ache of longing and envy can develop,’ says Kahr. Left unchecked, this ache can develop into resentment, and eventually jealousy.

‘We parent as we were parented,’ says Blair, unless we are mature and strong enough to break the cycle. ‘If you didn’t feel you were loved unconditionally as a child, you are always going to feel anxious and will search for affirmation. And children are a good source of that affirmation.’

First, she says, we need to acknowledge and understand these feelings, which often take place on a half-conscious level. Then, we need to recognise that love is not quantifiable. Not only does this give your children the power to play games with your affections, but it can be destructive in the long-run.

It’s easier said than done but, says Blair, once you decide to let go, and welcome the fact that your child finds happiness in someone other than you, they will want to spend more time with you as a result.

‘Ultimately, the goal of parenting is to make yourself redundant. People today see children as part of their self-fulfilment, but they’re not. You’re not always going to be there for them, so your job is to make sure they can cope when you aren’t.’

Letting go of your needs

Instead, says Blair, we must accept that our children don’t owe us love. It is important to let go of our own needs in parenting. ‘Think to yourself, “I’m the adult in this situation, and I may never feel fully satisfied or loved, but I can make sure that my children do”. That, in itself, can be incredibly satisfying.’

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