By: www.psychologies.co.uk

Rosie Ifould uncovers ways to forge a happy and harmonious relationship with your in-laws

How to handle your partner’s parents

The first time I met my ex-husband’s mother was unforgettable,’ says Sara, 45. ‘I’d already made my mind up that I wanted to marry John, so I was incredibly nervous. I’d bought her a huge bunch of flowers. She took one look at them, one look at me, then went back to her knitting. And that sums up our relationship. John and I were married for 10 years and she did her best to ignore me for a decade.’

When we first enter into a relationship, we ask ourselves many questions — whether our partner makes us laugh, how much security they can give us, whether we can really live with their habits. Very rarely is our first thought, can I live with this person’s parents? However, as the relationship deepens, as we marry and have children, our lives become ever more entangled with those of our in-laws.

With luck, or a good deal of effort, our partner’s parents can be confidantes, mediators, friends. But when one of us fails to meet the expectations of the other, or delivers some unintended slight, the relationship can quickly turn sour. Even when the relationship is reasonably harmonious, the smallest of family rituals can be a challenge.

New opportunities

‘We believe in the myth that marriage is between two individuals, and it isn’t,’ says Dr Terri Apter, author of Secret Paths: Women In The New Midlife.

‘Most people think that problems with in-laws are a displaced way of expressing dissatisfaction with your spouse. That sometimes happens but it’s by no means the primary motive.’ These are complicated relationships and often, particularly when grandchildren are involved, they can outlast the relationship we have with our partner.

‘My relationship with my mother- in-law actually improved after Tim and I split up,’ says Helen, 39. ‘She looked after the kids while I found a job, and she was very loyal to me even after he remarried.’

As our relationship with our partner changes, so does the bond we have with our in-laws. Both sides’ expectations of one another will shift and we will find new opportunities either for conflict or, we hope, for greater understanding and appreciation.

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