Breaking up a Loving Relationship due to the “Lack of Communication” América Rodríguez de Allende (psychologist)

It is very frequent to hear in Couple Psychotherapy that they grow apart or even break up definitely as a result of the “lack of communication”.

Next I will describe how “it is” possible to establish a more effective communication.

It seems easy to communicate and we all think that we are very good at it. After all, you have not stopped talking since you were a kid and most of the times it comes out in a natural and spontaneous way. You just open your mouth and words come easy. When you feel happy, truly bound to someone, it is easy to communicate well. You feel good, the other person feels good and everything seems fine. It is during an important dispute or during a conflict with someone else that we find out if we really know how to communicate well. How do you react before criticism? How do you react when the other person is not being reasonable and does not listen to your point of view? Do you communicate well when you feel vulnerable or hurt?

There are very few people who can effectively communicate in such situations. But these are just the situations when a good communication is very useful. The key that opens the doors of love, friendship, and success in business is the capacity to successfully manage the conflict. People show a lot of conflict at this level. Husbands do not communicate well with their wives. Friends do not know how to communicate with each other. The members of a family do not manage conflicts and problems very well.

Would you like to learn how to communicate better? First of all let’s define what a good or a bad communication mean. Good communication has two characteristics: you express your feelings in an open and direct way and encourage the other person to do the same. You explain what you think and feel and try to listen and understand what the other person thinks and feels. According to this definition the ideas and feelings of both people are important.

Just as a good communication implies to express oneself and listen, a bad communication implies the unwillingness to share one’s feelings openly or listening what the other person has to say.

To adopt an arguing or defensive attitude is a sign of bad communication. You contradict the other person without trying to understand his/her feelings. You send out subtle messages saying: “I only care about my own feelings and I try to convince you to agree with me”.

Another sign of bad communication is to deny your own feelings and show them in an indirect way, acting in a despicable way or adopting a sarcastic tone. This is called “passive aggressiveness”. The active aggressiveness is also a sign of a bad communication when it challenges or threatens the other person, or when it proposes an ultimatum. The list of “bad communication characteristics” that are described below will help to clarify what you must not do when you have a conflict with someone.

You might recognize some bad habits that create problems. If you change these attitudes it may help to improve considerably the way you relate with other people and prevent you from troubles.

• REASON: you insist that you are right and the other person wrong.

• GUILT: you state that the other person is to blame for the problem. You do not recognize to have been wrong or accept any mistake.

• COUNTERATACK: instead of recognizing how the other person feels, you respond to his/her criticism with more criticism.

• DEVIATION: instead of caring how both of you feel at this moment, you make a list of complaints from the past.

• Statements such as “I feel”: you express your feelings with statements such as “I feel” (for example, “I fell worried”), more than with expressions such as “you” (for example, “you are wrong! or you are making me furious”).

• The flattering technique: you really find something positive to tell the other person, even when the discussion is at its most. This means you respect the other person no matter if you are having an argument.

As you can see, you can avoid a lot of couple conflicts, eliminating old vices when communicating. Remember to speak always in first person, talk about your feelings and don’t blame others.