Is the “free” relationship the option? Rebeca Reynaud

Going out “free” with someone, means to have a loving relationship with a couple, without any commitments. It is the typical attitude of superficial, light people, who have not learned how to love. A “free” relationship is not that free as it seems, because it also has its rules:

• There is no obligation to call each other

• Jealousy is not permitted

• There is no commitment

• You do not have to give any explanation nor question the other

• You cannot expect anything from the other, except the pleasure of enjoying the moment

• You do not have a project in common nor a plan for the future

• You say: we like each other but we do not love each other, we just “use each other”

• There is total freedom to go out with other copules

• Each one can have a steady relationship with someone else and that will not be an obstacle to have a “free” relationship

• The most important thing in this kind of relationship is the instinct, the attraction, not generosity nor sacrifice.

Karla used to say: “Why having just one man when I can have almost all of them?” What Karla proposes is that a woman should be available for anybody, and she does not realize that this situation must turn into slavery: being sex-addict. She forgets that aspiring to something definite is part of love dynamics.

Some other people understand a “free” relationship as going to bed immediately after meeting someone, but we will not talk about it here because it is a sad perversion.

In a relationship with no commitment, the person avoids risk, which means that he/she is “afraid of freedom”. The human being prefers to be a receptive mass from advertising than being an individual factor of critical thinking.

Many young people love freedom and they don’t even know what freedom is. What does freedom mean? Freedom is the spiritual property that every spiritual being has to choose, to make the choice of his/her life, which is the choice of his/her aims (Cornelio Fabro). Freedom makes us perfect or makes us slaves: it depends on what we choose. The human being is not worthy for what he/she has or what he/she is, but for his/her decisions.

Libertinism contributes to overshadow human life value. Freedom is understood as the capacity of doing whatever you want, out of your own interest, giving birth, in that way, to the new culture of a selfish individualism, which does not have to give account of actions to anybody.

Freedom exists not because I am aware of it. On the contrary, I am aware of my freedom because I am free. The individual is free not because he or she can ignore his/her bonds or ties, but because he/she can decide what he or she wants to be tied to. And he/she is not freer if ties are less. On the contrary, freedom will depend on the depth of the project an individual is linked to; freedom reaches its bottom when it reaches our own self.

In order to understand the essence of freedom we must avoid going to the extremes: in one of them freedom is more important than the project itself and in the other the project is above our own nature.

A 17 year old girl told me: I am afraid of getting married now and my husband wouldn’t let me work or develop myself in my career. And, how do we get to know people well?
We get to know people when we observe them. In a relationship, before falling in love we’ve got to ask the other what he thinks of women’s work outside home, of her personal and professional development so as not to have surprises later.

If somebody is respectful, considerate and helpful only with certain people definitely he is only “acting”. It is necessary to observe how he behaves with those he does not expect anything from, how he bears and reacts before the problems and tensions that arise in the everyday coexistence. Human beings are known in moments of tension, crisis, failure and frustration. Saint-Exupery says that man measure himself with the obstacle.

St. Augustine says: “if you want to know somebody, do not pay attention to what he/she does or says; pay attention to what he/she wants or loves. What one wants is what one is. To know each other it is necessary to know what moves me. That simplifies self-consciousness very much.

“Marriage is the existential situation that provides more happiness to most human beings”. That is why everybody wants to get married, because marriage is a structure that has been created, by love, to express and perpetuate oneself.

If there is an important situation in a human being life is that of getting married. However it is something we do not think about very well. To devote oneself to the other does not mean to submit -unless that person is a tyrant- it means to love, to share sorrows and happiness.

It is inherent to human heart to accept demands, even very difficult ones, in the name of love. A boyfriend who loves his girlfriend is willing to wait and never asks for a proof of love, when he can not offer her matrimony in the same hurry he is asking for that proof of love. When a man chooses a woman he does it according to her psychological and moral characteristics, in some way this reflects her soul. A woman also makes her choice, she can choose to be charming or provocative, that is, she can chose to be a lady or a female.

The problem with sexuality, when it is determined by a mere genitality -completely separated from the psychological, social, ethic and significant dimensions that are inherent to it- is that sex is considered as one more consumption object instead of promoting a constructive sexual behavior of the personality.

Social mass media spread the image of a “light” human being, whose only reference is his/her well-being as an endless consumerism or an irresponsible enjoyment of an easy hobby. Young people must be aware that the quality of the feelings is measured by the conduct not by the passion. It is imperative to act “with” passion, not “out of” passion.